So hard...

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I never, ever, anticipated I'd be writing a post like this. 

Ever. 

Yesterday was my first appointment with an infertility specialist.

There are the words I never wanted to share with anyone here, or anywhere actually.
I used to question why people so openly shared news of their pregnancies so early on.
I used to silently judge people who became pregnant without even planning it.
I used to wonder why people opened up such a deeply personal part of their lives with people outside their immediate family and close friends.
But now my perception has changed. 
Some of you know I have both MS (multiple sclerosis) and Crohn's disease. Two autoimmune diseases. Two incurable illnesses. Things I struggle with on a daily basis. They're both under control with a monthly infusion, Tysabri. If you've been around for awhile, you know that it took a long time to get on the medication and begin to get my health under control. 
I've also been married for almost 7 years. To the love of my life. To the man I want nothing more than to have a family with. And I can't do any of that while on the medication that has kept my autoimmune diseases in check for the past 2.5 years. 
After many, many doctor's appointments and months of deliberation, I went off of Tysabri, having my last infusion in October of 2012. I switched to a monthly steroid infusion that doesn't treat MS or Crohn's, but would hopefully keep the symptoms of both in check. A medicine that would allow me to try and become pregnant. It was considered safe to go off Tysabri for 6 months.
At the 5 month point I broke down and couldn't take it anymore. My mind, my body - it was too much. Too much stress. Too much pressure. Too much heartache. I needed a break from "taking a break". My Crohn's was also starting to flare again. For my health, I needed to be back on the Tysabri.
Any doctor will tell you that you can try to get pregnant for a year with no success and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Without being far too TMI, there is no known issue with either of us. But I don't have the luxury of being off my medication for 12 months at a time, and also I'm 30.
So I've been referred to a fertility doctor, more than once, by more than one of my doctors. I don't know how much I want to even post about this. This post has taken a lot of time and effort, and I still am unsure about it - but I need an outlet right now. If for nothing else, than to rid my brain of some of the ongoing thoughts and stress that are taking up too much space right now. (I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "calm down" or "just relax" in the past 6 months. Easier said than done...) And since this has been my outlet for awhile now, well, this is where I'm starting. 


I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

I have hope, inside is not a heart - but a kaleidoscope...

All the colors
Of the rainbow
Hidden 'neath my skin

Hearts have colors
Don't we all know?
Red runs through our veins

Feel the fire burning up
Inspire me with blood
Of blue and green

I have hope
Inside is not a heart
But a kaleidoscope

Well.

That was a longer break than I intended.

What's been going on around here? Same old. Everything. Nothing. These are my standard answers, depending on the day. As far as the blog goes, there are things I would like to talk about and topics I'd like to broach, but there are aspects about that I'm still unsure about. I'm leaning towards yes, though. At the end of the day, the blog has always been an outlet for me. It just so happens that for now, the target of that has shifted somewhat.

In the meantime, there's always Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram (fashionsmaven), if you're so inclined. 

Love you all and have missed blogging. I'm figuring out my footing - and I'll get there. Eventually. 

"The idea behind 'Kaleidoscope Heart' is that we're all sort of in pieces and broken bits on the inside, but somehow, when you look through them, you still see something beautiful and colorful and magical."

- Sara Bareilles

Little Indulgences

The first couple of months of the year have never been my favorite. It's cold and dreary, the holidays are over, I have insurance to deal with on an almost daily basis - it's just not the best time. However, I've noticed lately that I'm appreciating little things here and there and those are making a big difference in my overall mood. 

Aveda Rosemary Mint shampoo

I re-purchased this because it's a great clarifying shampoo and I was in need of that. I'd forgotten how amazing it smells and feels, though. It's like a mini spa treatment in the shower.

New candles

The lovely Elle from Elle Sees asked me on Twitter about what candles I'm using and loving right now. I just started burning my newest Rewined candle in Pinot Noir. My latest Bath and Body works haul had a Pink Sangria and Lemon candle and I can't wait to use those. Pink Sangria was a repurchase that I loved from last year. Lemon is new but I can't imagine not loving it as well. Having a couple of candles burning around the house at night is such a simple thing but it always makes me feel good.

Sex & the City: The Complete Series

An oldie but a goodie. I've started popping one of these discs in at night and watching a few episodes before I go to bed and I have to say - it's as good as ever. Or maybe when you've watched something 1000 times it's just comforting. Either way, I'll take it. 

Other things I'm looking forward to - diving into my March magazines (next best magazine month after September), taking a few days for a much needed getaway this week, making an appointment to get my hair cut and colored (once I figure out exactly what I want to do).

What are your latest indulgences? 

Listen.

When I started this blog, I was about to start my last semester of college. I had no real plan in mind, no intentions really. I followed so many fashion and beauty blogs and that had always been a huge interest of mine, so naturally I knew that would be what I gravitated to. I posted whenever I felt like it, when something caught my eye or attention. 

In 2010 when it was becoming obvious a full time job wasn't going to happen as I was getting my health under control, I decided to treat this like a "job". I'd post 5 days a week, I'd read and comment on as many blogs as I could, I'd interact with the blogging community as a substitute for having a job and co-workers in my day to day life. I can't stress how much of a positive impact this had on my life. For most of 2010 my life was filled with doctors, specialists, blood tests, spinal taps, and eventually IV's as I was diagnosed with MS and struggled to also keep my Crohn's in check. 2011 wasn't any smoother between hospitalizations, 2 surgeries, and ER visits. I know blogging gets it's share of criticism for being trivial, petty, narcissistic, fluff... I could go on. But I loved having that as a distraction. It was the best thing to get my mind off of the depressing things I was facing on what seemed like a daily basis. 

The point of this isn't to ramble about my personal ups and downs. While my personal life certainly does infiltrate my blog, Twitter, Instagram, etc, I try to use all the various social media to focus on the things I'm enjoying. Fashion, makeup, beauty - all of it. In the past few years as I've gotten my health and life under control and began to feel a little more comfortable and a little less panicked, I've decided to start doing things different. 

I love blogging. I love this community. I love what it's given to me. But while at one point I needed the structure of daily blogging to help keep me afloat, I don't feel like I need that right now. Instead I'm going back, in part, to how I used to blog. What I want, when I want, no set schedule. I have a couple of other ideas brewing but I'm not pressuring myself to figure all of that out right now. I'll figure it out when the time comes. Like the picture and the necklace I received with it have been reminding me, I just need to listen. 

Happy New Year!

we♥it

Happy New Year!

What's your New Years resolution? I don't really make them, so this year is no different. Although last year I did say I would read more since I had just gotten the Nook, and that happened so maybe I should figure out something...

Have a good one :)

New Year's Eve

we♥it

Anyone have big New Year's Eve plans? I don't mind a low key night (what else is new?) but no matter what we do, I'm sure I'll use it as en excuse to wear something sparkly. Good reason, right?

Last one...

we♥it

It's the last weekend of the year - is it going to be a calm, quiet one at home, or are you going out? I think you all can guess how mine will go.

Have a great weekend :)