May 22, 2013

So hard...

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I never, ever, anticipated I'd be writing a post like this. 
Yesterday was my first appointment with an infertility specialist.
There are the words I never wanted to share with anyone here, or anywhere actually.
I used to question why people so openly shared news of their pregnancies so early on.
I used to silently judge people who became pregnant without even planning it.
I used to wonder why people opened up such a deeply personal part of their lives with people outside their immediate family and close friends.
But now my perception has changed. 
Some of you know I have both MS (multiple sclerosis) and Crohn's disease. Two autoimmune diseases. Two incurable illnesses. Things I struggle with on a daily basis. They're both under control with a monthly infusion, Tysabri. If you've been around for awhile, you know that it took a long time to get on the medication and begin to get my health under control. 
I've also been married for almost 7 years. To the love of my life. To the man I want nothing more than to have a family with. And I can't do any of that while on the medication that has kept my autoimmune diseases in check for the past 2.5 years. 
After many, many doctor's appointments and months of deliberation, I went off of Tysabri, having my last infusion in October of 2012. I switched to a monthly steroid infusion that doesn't treat MS or Crohn's, but would hopefully keep the symptoms of both in check. A medicine that would allow me to try and become pregnant. It was considered safe to go off Tysabri for 6 months.
At the 5 month point I broke down and couldn't take it anymore. My mind, my body - it was too much. Too much stress. Too much pressure. Too much heartache. I needed a break from "taking a break". My Crohn's was also starting to flare again. For my health, I needed to be back on the Tysabri.
Any doctor will tell you that you can try to get pregnant for a year with no success and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Without being far too TMI, there is no known issue with either of us. But I don't have the luxury of being off my medication for 12 months at a time, and also I'm 30.
So I've been referred to a fertility doctor, more than once, by more than one of my doctors. I don't know how much I want to even post about this. This post has taken a lot of time and effort, and I still am unsure about it - but I need an outlet right now. If for nothing else, than to rid my brain of some of the ongoing thoughts and stress that are taking up too much space right now. (I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "calm down" or "just relax" in the past 6 months. Easier said than done...) And since this has been my outlet for awhile now, well, this is where I'm starting. 

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully


BeautyH2T said...

Oh katie, it sounds like such a difficult tough time for you both. Sending lots of love and thinking of you xxx

Closet Fashionista said...

Oh no, that is such a tough thing to go through! I'm never good at comforting people so I'll just say my thoughts are with you guys! I hope you're able to solve this! *hugs*

Danielle (elleinadspir) said...

I am so glad you decided to go ahead and write this post. I went through almost 2 years of fertility treatments. It is no picnic and on top of the other health issues you battle, I am sure you are beyond frustrated. And don't even get me started on the stupid shit people say trying to help. The "calm down" "it'll happen when it is supposed to" "god's plan" my mind, you and J want to be parents, that makes it "god's plan" or whatever. Hang in there woman. And e-mail me if you want more info on my story and/or just to vent. I am proud of you for writing about this. You need an outlet, and it is good for others to learn about struggles like these. Huge hugs to you friend.

Lena at A Crimson Kiss said...

I just want to wrap you up in a giant hug. I don't have any of the right things to say, but I'm always here to listen if you need an ear. xox

Jenny @ Spry On The Wall said...

I'm so sorry, I know you all must be frustrated , sometimes things that should seem "easy" just aren't. And that is so annoying and unfair. Feel free to vent here and we'll be here to support you! Sending you lots of hugs!

Micah said...

Infertility is so common, yet few talk about it publicly. I have friends who have and continue to battle it. And, yes, the worst words of advice are "just relax" or "when you're not trying, it'll happen." Ugh. That does not help!

Thanks for sharing and sending good vibes and prayers your way.

BonBon Rose Girls Kristin said...

I'm so so sorry. I have had one two many friends who've had to do deal with infertility. I know it's such a tough journey. Hugs!

Miss Caitlin S. said...

Ugh, what a frustrating chapter of your life. I can only imagine how stressful it is to suspend your health plan in order to conceive and then not conceiving within the allotment you gave yourself (ps, so many of my friends have tried for years and nothing... then now have 3 kids.). I think the blog is a perfect place to just vent. Let the air out of your tires for a bit. I hope the fertility specialist can give you some answers!!!! It might be just the specialist you need. Just keep your mind open, don't be so hard on yourself or your body and try to keep a steady pace with this. Things work out. I really feel that they do. xo.

Isabel said...

i hope you get things figured out and you get some answers/progress while taking care of your health!

Isabel @ Walk of Fashion

Stacey said...

Sending positive energy and lots of baby dust your way doll!

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

My heart goes out to you Katie. I have known quite a few people battle infertility, though luckily most of them were blessed with little ones (Though time, money, and pain were part of it).

I can only imagine the toll this has taken on you mentally and physically. All I can say is good luck,take it one day at a time, and take care of yourself.
We are starting our own journey and I hope things are ok for us too!

Chic 'n Cheap Living

Annie said...

Katie, I haven't been keeping up with blogging so I haven't visited in a while and as I catch up on your blog, I am so sorry to hear of your health struggles. I don't know if you have tried any holistic treatment, but I would be happy to give you some info if you're interested. Try to keep up your spirits! xo