May 22, 2013

So hard...

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I never, ever, anticipated I'd be writing a post like this. 
Yesterday was my first appointment with an infertility specialist.
There are the words I never wanted to share with anyone here, or anywhere actually.
I used to question why people so openly shared news of their pregnancies so early on.
I used to silently judge people who became pregnant without even planning it.
I used to wonder why people opened up such a deeply personal part of their lives with people outside their immediate family and close friends.
But now my perception has changed. 
Some of you know I have both MS (multiple sclerosis) and Crohn's disease. Two autoimmune diseases. Two incurable illnesses. Things I struggle with on a daily basis. They're both under control with a monthly infusion, Tysabri. If you've been around for awhile, you know that it took a long time to get on the medication and begin to get my health under control. 
I've also been married for almost 7 years. To the love of my life. To the man I want nothing more than to have a family with. And I can't do any of that while on the medication that has kept my autoimmune diseases in check for the past 2.5 years. 
After many, many doctor's appointments and months of deliberation, I went off of Tysabri, having my last infusion in October of 2012. I switched to a monthly steroid infusion that doesn't treat MS or Crohn's, but would hopefully keep the symptoms of both in check. A medicine that would allow me to try and become pregnant. It was considered safe to go off Tysabri for 6 months.
At the 5 month point I broke down and couldn't take it anymore. My mind, my body - it was too much. Too much stress. Too much pressure. Too much heartache. I needed a break from "taking a break". My Crohn's was also starting to flare again. For my health, I needed to be back on the Tysabri.
Any doctor will tell you that you can try to get pregnant for a year with no success and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Without being far too TMI, there is no known issue with either of us. But I don't have the luxury of being off my medication for 12 months at a time, and also I'm 30.
So I've been referred to a fertility doctor, more than once, by more than one of my doctors. I don't know how much I want to even post about this. This post has taken a lot of time and effort, and I still am unsure about it - but I need an outlet right now. If for nothing else, than to rid my brain of some of the ongoing thoughts and stress that are taking up too much space right now. (I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "calm down" or "just relax" in the past 6 months. Easier said than done...) And since this has been my outlet for awhile now, well, this is where I'm starting. 

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

May 8, 2013

I have hope, inside is not a heart - but a kaleidoscope...

All the colors
Of the rainbow
Hidden 'neath my skin

Hearts have colors
Don't we all know?
Red runs through our veins

Feel the fire burning up
Inspire me with blood
Of blue and green

I have hope
Inside is not a heart
But a kaleidoscope

That was a longer break than I intended.
What's been going on around here? Same old. Everything. Nothing. These are my standard answers, depending on the day. As far as the blog goes, there are things I would like to talk about and topics I'd like to broach, but there are aspects about that I'm still unsure about. I'm leaning towards yes, though. At the end of the day, the blog has always been an outlet for me. It just so happens that for now, the target of that has shifted somewhat.
In the meantime, there's always TwitterFacebook, and Instagram (fashionsmaven), if you're so inclined. 
Love you all and have missed blogging. I'm figuring out my footing - and I'll get there. Eventually. 

"The idea behind 'Kaleidoscope Heart' is that we're all sort of in pieces and broken bits on the inside, but somehow, when you look through them, you still see something beautiful and colorful and magical."
- Sara Bareilles